Review: Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Note: First posted to my Facebook page March 26, 2016

Batman v (not vs, because that would make sense, and this movie doesn’t like that) Superman: Rant of Justice

I’ll try to avoid major spoilers in this, but if you’ve seen the trailers, you already know everything you need to know. Seriously. You’ve seen the movie.

Let’s start off with the basics. Superman managed to be completely useless in a Superman movie. Batman was amazing. Wonder Woman got the only applause of the movie. The cameos of the other Justice League characters were clearly shoved in and served no purpose other than to point out that the movie executives were going to make another movie.

Lois Lane was a total waste of space. As a journalist, her plan seemed to be “I’m going to do some stuff that’s painfully stupid, and Superman will save me.” She’s in the way for the entire movie. And Superman is very much pussy whipped. At one point, in a very important scene, he leaves everything to go save her, because Ditsy McLiability does something stupid.

Lex Luthor was terrible. I still don’t get his plan. But just as a character he annoyed me. Jesse Eisenberg played his version of Mark Zukerberg who had just seen The Dark Knight and then came up with this plan. I mean, I assume he had a plan. I’m still not sure about that. You clearly understand why Bruce Wayne wants to stop Superman. You clearly understand why the government wants to hold Superman accountable. You clearly understand that Superman is trying to do the right thing, but doesn’t think about the consequences. But Lex? Does he have a problem with Superman? Does he have a problem with Batman? Does he just want chaos? I don’t know.

Wonder Woman was probably the most interesting character, mainly because we didn’t see much of her, but when she was in the movie, she was bad ass. She clearly don’t need no man. Plus the lasso of truth.

Batman was great. I really liked Ben Affleck’s take on it. Or maybe it was the writers. But he really sold the character. And seeing Batman think, like really plan and anticipate, not just beat up bad guys, was really refreshing. Sure, he had his toys, but you got to see Batman as he should be. Batman was always ten steps ahead. And he gave a smug smile when it worked. Just like you or I would do.

The one good thing is that we got to see Bruce Wayne’s parents die. We finally get to see why he became Batman. That’s always been a secret and has never been shown in film before. Oh. Wait. It has. EVERY FUCKING TIME.

If you took out the useless or confusing parts, you could have a really great one hour movie. Instead, we had a two and a half hour maze of “Wait. What’s going on?” And the shaky cam. FUCK. We were in the third from the last row, way in the back, but I still got dizzy.

Then there are the cameos. I mentioned earlier that they were shoved in. But also, the Flash’s cameo is physically impossible. Like, even if you accept that he can run really fast, it doesn’t make any sense. I don’t want to spoil anything, so I’ll leave it there.

Fuck it. The movie has been out for a few months now. I’ll accept that he can go so fast, he can travel through time. But how did he go so fast he could go back in time, and enter Bruce Wayne’s dreams?

This movie could have been great. Part of the problem was that there was too much going on, and not enough time spent on what mattered. Marvel has spent a decade carefully setting up their universe, and this movie tries to catch up in one movie. And failed. After this, I don’t want to see another Superman movie. I would love to see another Ben Affleck Batman movie. I can’t wait for the Wonder Woman movie. I want to see the Suicide Squad movie. Justice League? Eh. Oh joy. I can see Aquaman swim away. I can see the Flash run.

Oh. And the one trailer was for Civil War which is basically the same plot, but looks to be a way better movie. The only reason I’ll watch this again (and I did watch the Ultimate Edition when it came out. Fixed a few things, but not enough) is Batman and Wonder Woman. 1.5 out of 5 stars