Prank Phone Calls
I like prank calls. I never got into making them, but I always liked getting them. The thing is, if you are going to make a prank call, do it well. That whole “heavy breathing” thing is boring and uncreative. For instance, earlier tonight, I got four or five back to back prank calls. All I could hear was muffled laughter. At first I thought they were just bad connections or pocket dials.
After the 4th time, I got annoyed. I did a reverse phone number check, and found out that it was from a landline in MN. This told me two things. One, it’s a landline, so they are unevolved and therefore I don’t care about them. Two, it’s a landline, so they pay for long distance. Remember long distance? I miss the 90s.
For the 5th call, I did the normal “Is anyone there” thing. This time instead of hanging up, I kept them on the line. Every 30 seconds or so, I would ask “is anyone there” again. But I kept the line going. For three or four minutes until they finally hung up. They didn’t call back.
One of the best calls I got was from someone who claimed to be a representative of Bill Cosby. He wanted to make sure Mr. Cosby’s requests would be met. First, he wanted three bowls of brown MnMs. “Sure,” I replied, “as long as you provide the MnMs, we can make sure it’s waiting in the room for him.”
Next, he wanted to know if we had adult videos in the hotel. “Absolutely,” I replied, “we even have an all day pass for $10 that’s good for 24 hours.” Finally, he wanted to know if we could have some ladies waiting to please him when he arrived. “As long as their names are on the reservation, we can let them into the room.” He didn’t get a rise out of me, so it wasn’t fun for him, and he hung up.
Another good one, was when this kid, who was all of 12 years old, called to offer his “hoes” to my gentlemen guests. This time I decided to turn it around on him. I found my inner ghetto accent, and yelled at him. “Who do you think you are? This is my territory, dawg. How dare you think you can come up in here and try to cut in on my turf. I will find you, you little bitch.” After the kid stopped pissing himself, he hung up.
The only time I made a prank phone call, I called a hotel to make a reservation. “How many people” she asked. “Well three, but only two would be using the bed,” I answered. “How many days will you be with us?” she asked. “Umm…” I said, “maybe three or four hours.” Then I acted as if I was talking to someone else. I pulled the phone away, but didn’t cover the phone so she could obviously hear what I said. “No. You have to wear one. I know they are uncomfortable, but company policy requires condoms.” Then I got back on the phone. “I’m sorry. So how much would the room be?”
“We don’t allow that here” *click*
So everyone, please, if you are going to make prank phone calls, do it well. Keep it entertaining. Don’t be dull.
Chris Dantes
My name is Chris. I currently live in Seattle, though I’m formerly from California. I'm a writer, comic, and superhero (allegedly). I complain. A lot. About everything. I also tell jokes.
One Comment
Jim Hogshire
Hello, I used to make a lot of prank phone calls, which I recorded and sent around to a bunch of other prank phone call enthusiasts back in the 1990’s. It was fun as hell. This was before the “Jerky Boys” and Crank Yankers and back then nobody tried to make money off it but people really and truly did it for the art of it. One phone call I made with a friend of mine got turned into a short movie starring Linda Blair, Bill Pullman, Amanda Plummer and a guy I think was named Ed Blatch but I’m not sure. The movie had an entirely different interpretation of the call and the bizarre little drama you might find interesting because it took place here in Seattle in 1992 and involved a call to a couple running an ad in Bellevue.
Anyway, the reason I wanted to write you is how you described essentially reverse pranking those fairly ham-fisted attempts to prank call you. You did a good job of it, too. But it reminded me of a truth I discovered while making literally hundreds and hundreds of prank phone calls (aka “phone experiments”) there are two kinds of people who are impossible to prank: old ladies and Buddhists. The old ladies, I think, because they are often lonely and are pretty reluctant to hang up. Since getting a rise out of the other person — frequently by getting them to hang up — is the goal of a hell of a lot of prank calls, old ladies thwart the prankster’s aim without really intending to. In a similar way I believe Buddhists, and anybody else who’s put some effort into leaving their egos behind, are pretty much immune to prank calls. They’ll listen to you as long as they feel like but they are likely to ignore any attempts to bait them like a housecat ignores a human desperately trying to get its attention. If you try to waste their time with something boring (exactly what you recommended against in a prank call) they’ll politely hang up. You might be surprised just how many people are not so easy to prank for a variety of reasons. That’s one reason pranksters spend a lot of time trying to figure out what works and even more, why it works. One of the simplest ways to get an amazing antler bashing screaming match going almost instantly is to call a random number and, if a male voice answers, “Hello?” you just say, “Hang up this phone”. Probably half the time you’ve got a fight on your hands. “Hey, I told you to hang up the phone, motherfucker!” It goes on from there.
Why on earth I decided to inflict this jabbery screed on you, I’m not sure. I’m not pranking you. What you wrote about pranks was interesting especially as it was written from a rare point of view: the prankee! And, I thought I’d let you know from someone who has also looked into the topic and lives in your city no less, you are on the right track about an art form that’s probably not really around anymore … but it isn’t likely dead by any means (see “emails from an asshole” comic genius!).