Noah’s Ark (and the “literal interpretation” of the bible)

Ah, Noah’s Ark. Most people remember this story from childhood. God decided that human kind was so evil, that they needed to be wiped out. He would save Noah and his family, as well as the animals, to repopulate the earth. We all have the mental image of a box shaped ship with giraffe heads poking out the top. There are two schools of thought about this story. One, and most logical, is that it’s nothing more than a story. Like Mother Goose, it’s here to teach us some moral concept. The other, and flat out idiotic school of thought, is that it, and everything else in the bible is the LITERAL TRUTH.

For this rant, I’m focusing on the latter. If you think Noah’s Ark is a good story to teach your kids, I mean who doesn’t love hearing about god drowning almost everyone because they won’t do what he wants, that’s fine with me. I’m just mocking the lunatics that think this actually happened.

Let’s start off with the story for anyone who hasn’t heard it, or who needs their memory refreshed. God made the world and it was good. God gave men freewill, but at this point, Moses had not been given the commandments. Eventually mankind became wicked. So wicked, that the all powerful entity that created everything was unable to stop the wicked people. Rather than do something like… give them rules, god decides his only option, as an all loving god, was to drown everyone. Well, everyone except Noah and his family. Anyway, god is apparently as lazy as I am, because rather than start from scratch, he wanted Noah to collect a male and female of each animal (and seven pairs of clean birds) with which to repopulate the earth. Then it rains for 40 days and a flood then covers the earth and every land mass, thus drowning everything and everyone who was not on the ark. I’m not sure what happened to the other people who had boats. After the water dried up, the animals were let loose and from them all animals came. Then to show that god would never drown the world again, he gave us rainbows.

Now obviously there are HUGE problems with this story. First, let’s start with the size of the ark. Depending on the translation, the ark was between 450 and 520 feet long, 75 to 87 feet wide, and 45 to 52 feet tall. It was divided into three floors, with the animals on the bottom level, birds on the second level, and humans on the top level. People who believe that this actually took place, do not accept evolution. Thus, every animal that is on the earth NOW, must have been on the ark. I’m assuming fish would have survived in the flood, though when you get into salt water and fresh water mixing, I’m not sure how that would work. Anyway, two of every species on the earth somehow fit on the ark. Just because the ark was 45-52 feet tall, doesn’t take into consideration the size of the wood. Think of how thick the floors would have to be to accommodate that kind of weight. You think two rhinos fit on some 2x4s? What about the animals that were natural predators? Did the lions decide not to eat the gazelle because of the situation? Speaking of which, they needed food, so where was that stored? Think of all the food they would need to not only feed themselves, but all the animals. Most biblical scholars say they were on the ark for over a year. Food for a year for eight humans and at least two of all animals somehow fit on the ark. Plus, the beginning of Genesis 6 says that humans were giants at the time and Noah was 600 years old. If humans were giants, that cuts down on the space even more.

How did Noah get the animals? Everyone talks about the animals just voluntarily walking onto the ark., but there is no mention of that in the bible. “And Noe went in and his sons, his wife and the wives of his sons with him into the ark, because of the waters of the flood. And of beasts clean and unclean, and of fowls, and of every thing that moveth upon the earth, Two and two went in with Noe into the ark, male and female, as the Lord had commanded Noe.” Genesis 7:7-9. It said the lord commanded Noah (Noe in this translation), not the animals.

What about Australia? It has some weird fucking animals. How did they get on the ark? Did the koalas swim to the middle east? No. That means Noah would have had to pick them up, and return them. Even though Noah had no idea Australia existed, nor how to build a boat, nor how to operate one. What about penguins? Did Noah stop off in the antarctic too? What about all of the different climates the animals needed to survive?

Just because it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, doesn’t mean the water just magically disappeared. The bible says the water remained for 150 days (five months). Then the ark landed in Armenia after seven months and 27 days. (Genesis 8:4) but then in Genesis 8:5 it says that after 10 months the tops of the mountains appeared. So what did the Ark land on for two months? In any case, all of the animals, regardless of climate or dietary needs, all had to survive in the same environment for at least a very long time.

Let’s talk about god’s motivation. I’ll use the Douay Rheims version of the bible because that’s the one with which I was raised. “He said: I will destroy man, whom I have created, from the face of the earth, from man even to beasts, from the creeping thing even to the fowls of the air, for it repenteth me that I have made them.” Genesis 6:7. So wait. God made a mistake? I thought he was infallible. Maybe he just changed his mind. But if he changed his mind, why repopulate the earth with creatures he knew were evil? I mean, if just humans were evil, couldn’t he have killed just them, and left the animals alone? He is all powerful, right? He wiped them out, so animals must be evil too. And there’s no mention that Noah had to find just the good animals, so there’s a chance he found some really evil cats and that’s why cats now are all Bond Villains in training.

After the flood, and after the water goes away, Noah sends out birds every week until one finally brings back an olive leaf so he knows the land is back. As if god couldn’t have said, “Give me a few weeks. Stop nagging me.” Then god tells Noah to leave the ark. Anyway, here’s my favorite part of the story. “And Noe built an altar unto the Lord: and taking of all cattle and fowls that were clean, offered holocausts upon the altar. And the Lord smelled a sweet savour, and said: I will no more curse the earth for the sake of man: for the imagination and thought of man’s heart are prone to evil from his youth: therefore I will no more destroy every living soul as I have done.” Genesis 8:20-21. So after surviving all of that, Noah kills some of the animals. THEN, god says that it was all a waste anyway, since the heart of man turns evil as children.

The whole point of the story is that people were wicked and Noah and his family were the only ones worth saving. Then Noah gets drunk and his sons mock him for being naked. So if even the “good” people are wicked, why not drown everyone and start over? Or if you think about it, if god created the universe out of nothing in one long week, why not erase everything and create a new universe? It’s not like he is busy. Or if he is without time, why not rewind to before people were wicked and try something different.

My point is that this, just like the rest of the bible, is a silly story. It’s not the literal word of god. If it were, then there wouldn’t need to be so many revisions/translations. Adam and Eve never existed. A talking snake didn’t convince them to eat an apple. If they didn’t eat an apple, we don’t have original sin. If we don’t have original sin, Jesus (who also didn’t exist) didn’t need to die. Moses (who also might not have existed) didn’t talk to a burning bush that gave him laws. God didn’t promise land to anyone because he’s just the voice in ancient people’s heads. God didn’t save Noah and the animals on a boat. Anyone who believes any of it actually happened is not only painfully stupid, but doesn’t have the intellectual and reasoning mind required to be an adult, and shouldn’t be trusted.