In Shocking News, I Am Autistic

I hadn’t planned on writing this. Mainly, because this website is dedicated to me complaining about stupid stuff, and occasionally ridiculing my parents. It’s meant to be entertaining and funny. I try to not take myself too seriously, and what started me doing this website was that people found my tedious rants humorous. However, over the last year or two, through interviews, biographies, and my Server Build walkthrough, I have been adding an educational aspect to the site. Another thing that convinced me to write about this is the massive ignorance about what autism actually is. When most people think of autism, they think Rain Man or some sort of creature that can’t take care of itself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that people are stupid for not knowing what autism is. I don’t expect everyone to know everything about every disease, disorder, and diagnosis. If they did, doctors couldn’t charge so much money, and it’s our obligation to help them buy their Lexuses. Lexii? This should add to your knowledge. This is for those who are interested. It’s a bit of a dull topic, but I’ll try to lighten the mood here and there. It’s tough though, because people tend not to make jokes about medical conditions. Pussies.

There are two main benefits to being autistic. One is that it explains SO MUCH about why I am the way that I am. There are so many different traits that I have, and never really thought about. In the context of autism, it just makes so much sense. As soon as I started thinking about it (before I even had a diagnosis) everything clicked into focus. The second benefit is that I can tell fucktards like Jenny McCarthy that VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM.

Per Wikipedia, Autism Spectrum Disoder is a neurodevelopmental disorder (or a bunch of different ones) characterized by impaired social interaction, verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior. There may be a hereditary component, or it could be environmental. It’s probably a combination of the two. The one thing we know doesn’t cause autism is vaccines.

Autism is a spectrum, ranging from “high functioning” to “low functioning”. Since I am basically the poster child of mediocrity, I fall in the high functioning range. Enough symptoms to be noticeable, but not enough to be considered a savant. Basically, I’m what used to be called, “Aspergers”. Autistic people have various symptoms to various degrees. One person might be high functioning with communication, but low functioning with fine motor skills. Each trait is on a spectrum, not just autism itself. That was one of the reasons why it was so hard to diagnose just a few decades ago. For years it was just described as “well that’s just how that person is”. You’ll sometimes hear about the number of cases of autism climbing so much. That’s because scientists are just starting to understand it.

For me, even though I had the symptoms, it didn’t occur to anyone that I might be autistic. I guess it could be considered a learning disability. I don’t have a hard time learning in general, but when it comes to social interaction, I struggle. I didn’t get my diagnosis until I was in my 30s. This brings up another difficulty, which is that over time, autists (that’s our version of the N word. We’re allowed to say it, but you’re not.) learn to cope. We might not understand why [insert behavior here] causes [insert negative reaction], but we learn to stop doing that behavior to avoid that reaction. It’s far easier to diagnose a child than an adult who might have learned to hide the symptoms, and males are more likely affected than females.

Oh. Side rant. Fuck the medical industry. I called almost ten doctors, trying to find someone, ANYONE, who could diagnose adult autism. One doctor flat out hung up on me. Most only dealt with children. One place wanted a referral from my main doctor, which I got, only to be told that they didn’t do the diagnosis anyway. That was after waiting two weeks to see my main doctor, and another two weeks for him to send the referral. Finally, I found a doctor who did the diagnosis, but she didn’t accept insurance, so I had to pay it out of pocket. My insurance did end up reimbursing me a little bit, but all told, I paid $500+ and spent months, to get the diagnosis.

Anyway. Autism focuses on the social side of life. Some have difficulty speaking. Most have trouble reading facial expressions, understanding subtext, or understanding motivation in others. Almost all of us favor some sort of structure, and detest deviations from that structure. We are usually obsessively detailed, and tend to be almost fanatical in our interests. I have been telling this joke about how being a nerd is a form of autism, because both nerds and autistics are socially awkward and are passionate about our one thing. I still think it’s accurate. Someone once said that autistic people don’t have passing interests. We become engrossed in our interests. This happened to me with Legos, the Matrix, Stabbing Westward, Alexandre Dumas, and just about anything else in which I’m interested. For instance, when I got interested in Game of Thrones, I couldn’t just enjoy the nudity and plot. I had to read all of the books so far, and get a T-shirt, and a blanket, and read the fan theories, and obsess about casting details and…

A weird side point about this obsessive passion, is that we usually are interested in a particular subset of a topic. The analogy that almost every article mentions, is liking a specific model of train, being able to quote statistics, but not understanding how trains work. It could be argued that sometimes I do that. I get into something, but I focus on one aspect of it, and don’t think about how it fits into the bigger picture. A past boss pointed out that I do that with my job. I get so upset when things that affect my job are concerned, but can’t see that staples are really low on the totem poll for the company. Or how I love grammar, but can’t spell and couldn’t tell you what an adverb is. But if you use the wrong “their”, I will freak out.

I have trouble understanding that others are different from me. For instance, I like to have more information before I make a decision. I over research everything. I assume others are the same way, so when I have to explain something, I tend to over explain it. I’m also a visual learner, so I assume others are the same way. Often they explain that I could have just told them instead of showing them. But that’s not how my brain works, so it’s hard for me to translate that to other people.

My most noticeable symptom is lack of eye contact. I couldn’t tell you the eye colors of my closest friends. Well, I could (brown), but it’s because they’re African American, not because I’ve noticed. This becomes a problem since I don’t look at faces, I can’t notice facial expressions, so I can’t tell if someone is bored or whatever. I also have trouble with “face blindness” where if I’m shown pictures of facial expressions, I can’t figure out what emotion they are trying to convey. I didn’t even think about this one until I took a test. I’m always amazed that people even read this website. I’ve always had trouble making friends.

I hate hate hate hate fucking hate change. If I forget to put my watch on, I feel “off” until I put it on. I can tell if my job changes the brand of printer paper. I do every aspect of my job (and life, for that matter) in a particular order at a particular time, and if anything interrupts that schedule, it feels like I’m a trainee again, and I have to remember how to do what I’ve been doing for over a decade. If I go to a restaurant, I almost always get the same thing I always get at that restaurant. If I’ve never been there before, I’ll probably get something similar to what you would expect I would get. If I’m at a taco place, I’ll get a quesadilla or a chicken enchilada. I rarely try new things. If I’m at an intersection, and start with my left foot instead of my right foot, it’s almost as if I’ve forgotten how to walk. My balance feels off, and it just feels “wrong”.

In my case, the repetitive behavior is focused on schedule and predictability. I leave home at the same time every day. I take the same route to and from work. I take breaks at the same time, etc. Everything in my life has to be the same. It has similar symptoms to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I don’t fear that something bad will happen if it’s not done my way. It will just hurt my soul.

Actually the resistance to change is one of the larger symptoms in me. This affects me in everything. My taste in music is 90s alternative, and has been since… well, since the 90s. With very few exceptions, I only read classic literature. I only eat what I like. Staples go in the top left corner. Toilet paper goes over in front. All of my “purchased” TV shows and music are correctly named, using the same format. I even tend to use the same phrases over and over again. “Have a great day”, “good times”, “when I come to power”.

Speaking of food, taste and texture bother me. All my childhood, I had to take out the pickles from cheeseburgers. I couldn’t ask them to make it without pickles, because of my “shyness”, so I’d do the work. I hate the taste. I hate they way they feel.

I don’t have the flappy hand thing that a lot of autistic people have. Though, I sometimes look like Captain Jack Sparrow when I talk, with rigid and jerky hand movements. The hand flapping comes from trying to be in control. So when an autistic person is nervous, they’ll flap. I’m a finger person. Fingerer? I’ll rub my fingers together.

I can’t stand disorder. I’m not necessarily clean, but I’m usually organized, even if it’s just organized in my own way. Apparently, autistic people often have trouble doing their hair or taking showers. If you move something, I will notice. It’s like I “feel” the change. Imagine walking down the street. You walk down this street every day. One day, one of the street lamps goes out. I notice things like that all the time. ALL THE TIME.

On the plus side, autism is what makes me great at what I do. Since I’m hypersensitive to things being “wrong”, and my job is to “find things that are wrong”, I’m basically a god at my job. One problem of autism (at least in me) is that I can’t tell other people’s motivations. For instance, I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it, but at my job, people often use too many staples. Let’s say there are three sheets of paper. Instead of putting one staple in the top left corner, where it belongs, they’ll try one staple in the middle top. Then they’ll add another piece of paper. Instead of removing the first staple, and starting over LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN, they just add a second staple. This time they might put it in a corner. Maybe that staple won’t go through all the way. So they’ll add another one. Then they’ll add a staple from the other side. Pretty soon, there will be seven staples for four sheets of paper. There are many times where they’ve put the staple through the middle of the page. Who does that? As far as I know, they do this on purpose. Sure, it’s possible that they just don’t notice things like that. But I’m convinced that they have meetings every day. “What should we do to torment Chris?” “I have an idea. Let’s use too many staples.” “Ooo. That might give him an aneurysm. Ok everyone. Remember, your minimum number of staples is twenty five. Let’s get out there and make a difference!”

I don’t like to be touched. I have to force myself to shake hands. I’ve gotten used to that one because it’s so common and expected, that it’s just not worth explaining. I don’t want to sound like one of those obnoxious gluten free people. “Umm actually, I don’t shake hands…” In general, though, I don’t like to be touched. Hugs, kisses, etc. I’ll do it, but my instinct is to pull away. In a similar way, I hate stickiness. I absolutely hate things on my lips, and have always used napkins after every bite. I can’t share food. Not because I’m worried about germs or anything. I just can’t do it. It’s not so much of an ownership thing. I’ve gotten used to people taking food off my plate, but if someone offers me their food, I won’t eat it. Maybe that’s why I prefer to eat alone.

I notice patterns. Another plus for my job.  This is why those white noise machines don’t work with me. I focus on the loop of the sound file. I will zero in on palindromes, or simple things like bricks. I love brickwork. Maybe that’s why I want to do standup; to be near that brick wall. I can’t tolerate loud noises. I can’t go to night clubs or whatever. Thank Keanu, I’m too old for that now. It was torture for me in years gone by. It’s like a feeling of claustrophobia. Too much in too tiny a space. I can’t focus on a conversation, because all I can hear is the music.

One of the harder issues for me is my thought process. As verbose as I am, I simply do not understand complex ideas. Like marketing speak and buzzwords. “We extrapolate experiences designed to enhance…” ugh. Everything is black and white to me. Things are right or wrong. A therapist once said I had a “concrete, binary” way of looking at things. One of the hallmark features of autism is onesidedness in conversations. I mean, hell, that’s all this website is. But in the offline world, other people don’t think I’m nearly as interesting as I do. They seem to want to tell me about their silly lives, instead of listening to more of my very interesting thoughts on everything. Plus I hate small talk. It’s such a waste of time. I do understand sarcasm, and am a very sarcastic person, but I have trouble recognizing it in other people. I try to take context into consideration, so if I’m watching a stand up, I’ll know not to take it seriously, but if I’m talking to someone, I usually can’t tell if they’re making a joke or not.

I also lack tact. I used to say that since I wasn’t allowed to voice my opinions as a child, it all kind of piled up, and now I just say whatever I want. While there may be some of that, it could also be that I simply don’t take other people’s feelings into consideration. It’s not sociopathic, it’s that I don’t understand. It doesn’t occur to me. The only feelings I feel are frustration and irritability. I don’t get offended by anything, so why to other people get offended?

On a possibly related note, autism has been linked to insomnia and digestive issues. It might even explain my lack of fine motor skills. I do want to be clear, however, that just because there has been a correlation between these symptoms and autism, doesn’t mean they are caused by the autism.  That said, though, these are a few other symptoms I have that might be explained by autism. Just like how vaccines don’t cause autism. And also have not even been correlated to autism.

Autism has made my life hard in the sense that I don’t connect with people. Friends seem bored, or don’t get my sense of humor. I don’t understand them. I’m so rigid in my likes and dislikes, and my set way of doing things, that it pushes people away. I’m sure I come off as neurotic. At the same time, this is who I’ve always been. I didn’t realize that I was different until I was in my 20s. And even then, I didn’t realize that parts of my brain weren’t developed correctly. Luckily, I’ve been able to take my quirks and put them to good use. My affinity for pattern recognition and attention to detail, make me practically indispensable as an auditor, and not to sound cocky, I’m one of the best. I’ve been able to take my frustrations at seemingly innocuous “travesties” and put them in a comedic form. Sadly, my temperament and inability to adapt to changes, even minute changes, makes me an utter pain in the ass.