Do Your Own Fucking Research

Look. I get it. I’m a genius, and it’s easier to ask me than find out on your own. Here’s the thing. The reason people think I’m a genius is BECAUSE I find shit out on my own. I don’t know everything, but I know HOW TO FIND everything.

Studies have shown lately, that our brains are getting smaller, since we no longer have to store so much information. In days of yore, like back in the 90s, we actually had to remember shit. Now, we can just Google everything. Or Bing it (for you neanderthals). Or Yahoo it (for you… oh who am I kidding. No one uses Yahoo Search anymore.)

Where was I? Oh yeah. Now every ounce of information is readily available. What is George Washington’s birthday? I don’t know. There’s no reason for me to remember this. But a quick search for “George Washington” takes me to the Wikipedia article that states he was born on February 22nd. I timed it. It took me less time to go from thinking about the question, open a new search tab, find the answer, and click back on this tab, than it did for me to type JUST THIS SENTENCE.

Why is that so hard to do? I don’t expect people to know everything. I do expect people to know how to find everything. The answers are out there. They are free. They don’t take much work. You don’t have to even remember it. You just need to know HOW TO FIND your answers. This is the difference between smart people and stupid people.

A few weeks ago, someone mentioned having a pink cassette tape. She didn’t ask me to look it up. She was just remembering something from her childhood. I hate not knowing things, so I did some research, and before this friend finished her story about this pink cassette tape, I had a picture of it, and had the music from the tape loaded in YouTube.

I guess that’s another trait smart people have. They crave knowledge. They always want to know more. I can’t count all the times that I’ve been thinking about something, and haven’t known the answer. I am compulsed to find out. I can’t stand not knowing something. It will stay in my mind, and I’ll keep thinking about it, until I find the answer. Just now, I couldn’t spell “compulsed” and WordPress (it runs my site) couldn’t recognize it. Google. Problem solved. What was the nickname of the Mustang in that Alex Winter awful Gone In 60 Seconds movie? I didn’t want to watch the movie again, so I Googled “Gone In 60 Second mustang name“. It was Eleanor. Who did that song where they sang “I get knocked down?” It was Chumbawamba. I couldn’t remember the name of that super hot black chick in Clueless. This time, I went to IMDB, and her name is Stacey Dash. That was quickly followed by a Rule 34 search. And if you don’t know what Rule 34 is, FUCKING GOOGLE IT.

I’m not a speedy searcher. I don’t have some advanced Google Fu. These are just simple tasks that the most base of you should be able to do. So why the fuck aren’t you? Why are you bothering me for answers to such simple questions that would be answered with a quick internet search? You do realize, that I’m going to mock you for either not knowing the answer or not knowing how to find it, right? I mean, that’s kind of my thing.

Seriously though. Nine times out of ten, if you ask me a question, I’m just going to Google it. So skip the middle man, and do it yourself. Maybe I shouldn’t complain. Maybe they come to me because they are convinced I have magical knowledge gathering powers. Maybe I should play on that and have them offer sacrifices to me. Start a religion based on me knowing things and them asking how to tie a shoe.

Ugh. It’s so irritating to always be right. The reason I’m always right is because I RESEARCH things. You morons could all be like me. All you have to do is learn how to find your own answers. So here are some tricks to help you.

Google.

That’s it. That’s all it takes. Pick any question. Type it in Google. ???. Profit.

What’s the answer to life, the universe in everything? 42.

What is “hola” in English? Hello.

Try it yourself. It works. Learn on your own. You don’t need to bother me about it. You can do it yourself. It’s super easy.

UPDATE: I added funny links. Enjoy.