Chris Explains His Parents’ Music… to his parents. (Heart – Magic Man)

I don’t know why, but Magic Man has been getting a bit of airplay recently. It’s about time this 70s classic got it’s time in the sun. It reminded me of when I was a teenager. I liked 90s Alternative, because, well, it was the 90s. My parents were strict Roman Catholics, and hated my music because it was “evil”. Yet, they were perfectly fine if I liked music THEY liked. In some cases, it was fine. That’s how I found out about 10,000 Maniacs. Other times, it was… shall we say “hypofuckingcritical.” So let’s take a look at one of these instances. I remember getting Heart’s Greatest Hits, and feeling super uncomfortable listening to the lyrics. But it was music THEY liked, so it was ok. Here’s Magic Man, off of the album, Dreamboat Annie.

Cold late night so long ago, when I was not so strong you know A pretty man came to me. Never seen eyes so blue.
You know, I could not run away it seemed. We’d seen each other in a dream. It seemed like he knew me. He looked right through me, yeah.

“Come on home, girl” he said with a smile, “You don’t have to love me yet. Let’s get high awhile. But try to understand, try to understand, try try try to understand
I’m a magic man”

Hint: He’s got a good dick.

I’m envious of the confidence on this guy. He is so sure of his prowess he considers it magical. The best adjective I’ve ever received was “it’s fine”. She couldn’t run away. I get that it’s supposed to mean that she was so awestruck by his beauty, but society has left me jaded, and my first instinct was that he drugged her. I mean, he does want her to get high.

Oh. And his eyes are “so blue”? Is he a white walker? Was George RR Martin a big Heart fan, and his Song of Ice and Fire is really just an elaborate backstory to this song?

Winter nights we sang in tune. Played inside the months of moon. Never think of never let this spell last forever.
Well, summer lover passed to fall. Tried to realized it all. Mama says she’s a worried. Growing up in a hurry, yeah

“Come on home, girl” mama cried on the phone, “Too soon to lose my baby yet my girl should be at home!”
“But try to understand, try to understand, try try try to understand: he’s a magic man, mama, ahhh! He’s a magic man”

Clearly the drugs from the previous lines have taken affect. Played inside the months of moon? The fuck does that mean? Is that a reference to Nancy Wilson’s menstrual cycle? Does our magic man like… nevermind. Let’s move on.

Nancy’s mom is rightfully worried about her daughter getting a deep dicking from her new boyfriend, but Nancy is sprung, as the young people say. She’s fallen in love with a wizard. She tries to explain to her mom, but parents just don’t understand, amirite? I also like to think that when she says “Ahhh” in that last line, she’s actually having an orgasm on the phone with her mom. It makes me chuckle.

“Come on home, girl” he said with a smile, “I cast my spell of love on you a woman from a child”

Told you. They are having the sex at each other.

“But try to understand, try to understand, oh, oh-ho, try, try to understand, try try try to understand: he’s a magic man. Aww yeah. He got the magic hands!”

Oh. My mistake. He’s not just hung like a horse. He can finger girls, too. Bravo, sir. Bravo. You truly are magical.

The rest repeats a lot. Lots of “oh oh” orgasms, and her trying to explain his supernatural penis.

And this, ladies and gentlemen is the type of music my parents preferred I listen to, instead of No Doubt’s Just a Girl, which is an actually empowering song for women.